


The Work of Master Jobbes

by vivisextion



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Christmas Fluff, Fluff, Humour, M/M, iPhones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2020-04-08 00:31:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19096078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vivisextion/pseuds/vivisextion
Summary: Crowley gets Aziraphale an iPhone for Christmas.





	The Work of Master Jobbes

**Author's Note:**

> Actually written seven years ago, before the TV show was even conceived of, when even 4G was not really a thing. I unearthed this to celebrate the show. Enjoy.
> 
> Also I totally predicted that “Crowley invented the selfie” thing!!!

"Happy Christmas, angel."

Crowley hopped onto Aziraphale's desk and handed over a tiny package. The wrapping paper was black with little red pitchforks dancing across it. Crowley thought it was tasteful.

Aziraphale eyed it, then eyed Crowley. Then Aziraphale beamed at him, as only the sanctimonious can.

"Oh, Crowley, you wrapped it yourself. When you could have miracled it. I'm so proud of you."

The demon scowled. "How could you tell?"

Aziraphale pointed to the box. "It's not perfectly wrapped. You can see where it's a little rumpled, and the tape's all-"

"All right, all right, you don't have to shout it from the rooftops."

Aziraphale carefully peeled back the tape, instead of just ripping the paper off. This went on for a few minutes until Crowley asked, pointedly, "Are all angels this anal retentive?"

"There's nothing wrong with being neat," Aziraphale answered, more than a little defensive.

"Just miracle it out, then."

"Oh, where's the fun in that?"

"If you want fun, you can unwrap my other package later," Crowley said, with a salacious grin.

"Really, dear, behave yourself."

Aziraphale extracted the small white box. He peered at it for a few moments.

"What's this?"

"It's an iPhone," Crowley explained. "And I actually bought it with my hard-earned money, instead of miracling it into existence."

The angel gave him a quizzical look.

"Fine, I bought it with my money, instead of miracling it into existence."

The angel gazed at him skeptically.

"All right, I bought it with my ill-gotten gains, instead of miracling it into existence." Crowley waved. "I got you the white one." Crowley pulled out his own, which was a twin of it, except it was black.

"You've always managed to reach me fine on this," Aziraphale patted his antique rotary telephone.

"That thing doesn't have 4G."

"What's 4G?"

"It means you can use the internet wherever you are."

"But why would you want to?" Aziraphale asked, picking up the iPhone and examining it.

The demon looked back incredulously. "Why would you want to? You could check your mail-"

"Nobody emails me but you, Crowley."

"-look up facts, buy and sell books-"

"But it's a _phone,_ " Aziraphale insisted.

"Yes, a phone that can go on the internet."

"But," Aziraphale peered at the white brick of high tech electronics in his hand. "But a phone is for making phone calls, not looking at web pages."

"Yes, but these phones can do that, _and_ make phone calls."

"That's... not right." Aziraphale looked at the phone warily now, convinced it had to be a product of Crowley's side.

"Welcome to the modern world, angel." Crowley said, spreading his arms wide. "Now try turning it on."

The angel stared at it, then turned it around several times. "How? Crowley, the manufacturers seemed to have neglected to put buttons on this."

Crowley took the iPhone and clicked a button near the top. It blinked to life.

"It's a touch screen. There are no buttons. You just have to press those icons on the screen. They all have little labels."

Aziraphale gaped at it. "What manner of witchcraft is this?"

"It's just a heat sensitive screen. Technology, it's the new witchcraft." Crowley demonstrated by pressing the 'Phone' icon and keying in his own number. "There. Now you have me as a contact." Aziraphale still looked rather apprehensive, so he added, "Look, just have a poke around."

Aziraphale picked up the phone and began exploring it, cautiously. "This not having buttons, it feels so... unnatural. How do I know I'm hitting the right thing?"

"Because the right thing will happen afterwards."

"Crowley! The icons are wiggling at me! Make them stop!"

"You just poked it for too long. Press the home button."

"... Which one is the home button?"

Crowley sighed, and pressed it for him.

"Hrm," Aziraphale said, in what Crowley privately called his schoolmarm tone. "A phone is a phone. One function is enough for me."

"Well, when you're me1, a phone has to do everything, look like an oil slick, be thin as a razor, and not crack when dropped2. Look, it even has a camera!" 

"A camera? Does this phone even know it's supposed to be a phone?"

Crowley took the iPhone from the angel's hands and opened the Camera app. Then he tilted it towards them, and tapped the screen. The phone emitted a loud camera shutter noise. Aziraphale blinked, then tried to snatch the phone from Crowley.

“Look, your first selfie. I invented that, you know.” The demon looked insufferably smug.

"Crowley!" Aziraphale said indignantly. "Get rid of that picture."

Crowley held it out of reach, trying to look at the image. Aziraphale's face was upturned, as the demon was sitting on his desk, his expression of confusion lending a certain round innocence to his eyes.  He surreptitiously sent the photo to his own iPhone, grinned, and pressed the phone back into Aziraphale's hands.

"Get rid of it, please, Crowley."

"Nope," the demon replied cheerfully. "You learn how to delete."

"You know I'll never be able to." Aziraphale sighed and looked at the iPhone. The light gleamed off its perfect white surface. "It was awfully nice of you, dear boy, but you know how modern technology baffles me."

"It's not that hard. Besides, it's incredibly useful. This has a Map app. You'll never get lost again. And I'll always know exactly where you are."

"Creepy, yet comforting." The angel gave him a wry smile. "I suppose it is rather sweet of you. Matching phones and everything."

"Well, you know," Crowley muttered, uncomfortably, "I thought since I had a black one, it was the logical thing to do, getting you the white one."

"Still very nice of you." Aziraphale stood and pecked him on the cheek. "Happy Christmas, dear." He looked back down at the phone. "Well. How I shall I ever top this?"

"I have a few ideas." Crowley's grin was back. Aziraphale smacked Crowley's hand, which had been creeping up his thigh.

" _Behave,_ Crowley."

**Author's Note:**

> 1 A flash bastard.
> 
> 2 This was not entirely true, as iPhones are rather fragile, but a cracked phone screen is something that happens to other people, not demons.


End file.
